Good Game
A boy sits on a bench watching his team play. It’s the playoffs. It’s an important game and he is very excited. He wants to help his team win. He has been sitting and watching for a long time. While the other players rotate on and off he patiently sits and waits, glancing eagerly at his coaches waiting to be told to go on the ice.
Finally he approaches his coach and asks when he will get to play. Wrapped up in the very close game, he tells the boy to ask the other coach. When he does, he’s told he will go on next shift. At the shift change he charges onto the ice to play his position, only to have his coach yell his name, calling him back to the bench. He is confused, but is starting to understand what is happening and why.
The boy does not play the rest of the game. He has sat out for most of the second period, and all of the third. He watches his parents, grandfather and aunt across the arena. They have come to see him play. He is embarrassed and chokes back the tears as his team wins the game and lines up to shake the hands of the opposing team. He is 12 years old.
Good game.
This post was about my son, but it was not about hockey. It is about people losing sight of what recreational sport is all about.
In this regard, cycling is no better than hockey. I’ve seen age group bike racers snub fellow racers because they got beaten fair and square in a local road race. I’ve seen a racer swear and yell at a volunteer because her timing band got suck to her glove in a local duathlon. I’ve been told I should I should quit racing because I crashed.
I’ve seen baseball dads berate a 14 year-old umpire, and I’ve seen kids told they suck by kids on their own soccer team. There are examples to be seen across all sports. Perhaps in the context of competition, it is human nature to kill the weak to appear stronger. Maybe the adrenaline in our still evolving human brains overrides common sense and causes us to lose sight of the fact we are doing this for fun.
My son’s experience was a reminder to keep it real – as an athlete, a parent and a coach. His coaches have taken responsibility and issued a sincere apology to us and to him. I am confident he will forgive them, because that’s the kind of kid he is. But he will not forget.
Not exactly the way to grow “Canada’s game” is it. Win at all costs at 12 years ? Coaches need a kick in the back side and the commissioner of the league should be made aware.
Yet another reason to ride a bike instead.
This post is not just about hockey. I’ll amend this with some explanation now that I’ve calmed down a bit.
No matter Andrea. As sportspeople we hope to encourage a new generation to chose a sport and hope the trainers, coaches, managers promote fair play and participation by everyone. It only takes a second to lose a child and years to get them back.
That is pretty sad.
Such a well written post. After talking about this on twitter, I knew how angry you were! Great to see you tie into all sports.
a volleyball coach (wezer bridle) described the game to me, decades ago, as a re-creation, clearly implying that after so-participating you could then return refreshed to your daily responsibilities, i.e. school/work. your son’s coach today betrayed his responsibility to teach a young person the joy of sports participation. by confronting the coach you have challenged that person’s rather limited point-of-view of hockey games for 12 year olds as ‘winning-at-all-costs’ affairs. good for you for speaking up, angela.
Perhaps those coaches should retake their Fair Play seminar and then become seminar leaders. Of course this would be after they sign on with their pro team. Or maybe it should be before they sign on the dotted line. sic. I hope your son is ok. I feel for him. The coaches who failed him and his teammates – f.o.a.d.
This happened to me in baseball when I was twelve. My coach really wanted to win a tournament and I spent two games one Saturday afternoon sitting in the dugout. I was a fringe player on the A team and probably would have dropped any fly balls hit my way – if the objective was to win then the coach made the right choice. Strangely, it didn’t really hit me until I burst into tears as my dad drove me home that day. I wasn’t upset I wasted a Saturday afternoon – the sting was the embarrassment in front of my team mates. I knew I was sitting because I was a weaker player, but now knew they knew. Fuck, that was a alienating feeling.
I actually think about that day once in a while and see it as a good experience. I learned a life lesson that life isn’t fair and I’m not entitled to anything. It also helps me keep defeats in perspective–I may have road the bench on a cloudy saturday afternoon but in the twenty five years since I’ve experienced a lot of success in sport, business, and life.
All that said, there ‘s a place for a win at all cost mentality in the highest levels of sports. In retrospect I would have had more fun on the B team, but I might not have learned that one game doesn’t make the career.
My daughter has been at both ends of this spectrum. One sport she played for 2 years, the other for 12. Guess which one allowed everyone to play right to the end of the final playoff game regardless of each player’s abilitiy or possible game outcome.
What a great post…sad to watch our kids live through what many of us grew up with, either not being picked or not allowed to play. Recreational sports are barely better than high-end teams. I hate it. Hope the young fellow is over the pain but you are right, it won’t be forgotten. Way to stand up against the system, Andrea.
Your post has obviously hit a nerve with many blog readers. I wish you would consider giving it a wider read by submitting to the WFP, or Lindor Reynolds…. it is such an important topic, and ranks right up there with bullying and discrimination of all manner. Bravo for a well written post.
Not to pry Andrea, but have the coaches been officially contacted about this? I would hope they would do the right thing.
Hopefully it is a great lesson for your son, to learn to forgive & to treat others as he would want to be treated.
The coaches (all four of them) were hiding in the dressing room after the game so I sent another parent to get the head coach so I could talk to him. I was told I couldn’t speak to him because of the standard “24 hour cooling off period”. So we sent a letter to the parent representative, and then another letter to the coaches exactly 24 hours after the came finished.
They responded that it was an honest and collective mistake, and that they would like to extend an apology to my son, in person. I’m finding it difficult to believe four coaches “forgot” about our son for a period and a half, with only 2 lines. Perhaps they were to busy watching their own sons play to notice him sitting there for close to 30 minutes.
We haven’t discussed whether or not to take this further. These are neighborhood dads. People we see all the time. Their kids go to our schools. We don’t want to make this any worse for our son than it’s already been. He is taking it well and hopefully this doesn’t ruin his love of the game, or his self-esteem in any lasting way. We’re working through it.
Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and for sharing your own stories. While this has been an awful experience, it has been a very good reminder to keep things in perspective and treat others with compassion.
What else would they say I guess. Good luck.
This is very good Andrea, deceivingly sharp. I would encourage everyone reading this to pass the link around. I’m sure the perpetrators would turn another shade of ashamed if it reached them.
What level of hockey is this? Just rec league. If so you are totally right the policy should be everyone gets to play.
Team sports suck IMHO. Riel still plays soccer and he has had Dictator coaches at Prov elite level. He has played on rec teams with friends that don’t show up for games. He has learned to be satisfied with his own effort and the things he can control. On the field and off.
Michael Jordan did not even make his high school team his first year. But he practiced and improved. Dennis Rodman did play HS basketball but he was not a star and could not get a scholarship. Later he was inducted into Hall of Fame. Tell your son those Coaches need to learn how to coach.
This is a TOUGH lesson for someone who’s 12!
But… It’s a lesson we’ve all had to take at one time or another. We’ve all been told you can’t, you shouldn’t, you’re sitting, you’re not as good. The greatest basketball player of all time (micheal jordan) was cut from his highschool team. And when he was inducted into the hall of fame, he flew the coach who cut him, out to the event and thanked him. Tom Brady, one of the games best quarterbacks was drafted 199th overall which is horrible. And in a recent interview, was reduceded to tears just talking about his scenario. And look at all this future hall of famer has accomplished!!
This. Doesnt. Have. To. Be. A. Negative. This could be the motivation of something very beautiful! It’s very hard for a 12yr old to grasp onto! But, as we ALL know, and ALL have felt the sting of this rejection, you can do 1 of 3 things: quit, stay the same, or be like mike and get better. (again very hard for such a young guy!!!!!!) but, when he’s 15 and training harder than the others, it’ll be the opposite situation.
As for the coaches, they really should’ve got him in there for a couple shifts. I’m sure they still would’ve won. But we all play to win. That’s why we keep score, that’s why we race and keep times. I’m not sure if your sons team has a back up goalie or not. But I played goalie as a back up and sat A LOT of important games. I still play, still have a passion for the game, life’s good! It’s shitty at times… But we don’t wear jackets that say 8th in the city, we want to wear the jackets that say city champs. That’s something that we’ve all desired at one point or another. And sometimes, that’s what being a teammate is all about. (again, I can’t stress this enough!!! Hard for any 12 yr old to understand!!)
Hope this doesn’t offend, just my point of view.
Not at all. You’ve raised some excellent points.
I agree all kids need to learn these lessons at some point – that life’s not fair. I hate the “every kid gets a trophy” policy because it’s not an indication of real life and takes away the “specialness” of a true victory. It’s hard to watch something like this first hand as a parent, but we can’t protect them from everything.
Competition is healthy, and fun. When I race, sure I race for fun, but I race to win. And I don’t like it when I lose (although I am getting used to it). Team sports are more complicated, and likely an entirely different conversation. I do not envy those coaches, but they do have the responsibility to make everyone feel like a part of the team. This was 12 year old A2 house league – those kids already know they are not the strongest. And even at that level they are aware the stronger kids on the team will play more during power plays and penalty kills.
But competition also requires respect and good sportsmanship. Coach to player, player to player, player to coach, etc. That was the ball that was dropped here.
Thanks for your comments!
Your describing every attempt I took at organized team sports which led to my permanent dislike of those games. Instead of those sports I lived on my bike which is why even though I can’t ride them anymore I still love them.
This past spring I watched a Kids of Mud coach stop all his kids (the under 11’s) in the middle of Sandilands Provicial Forest. He sked them to listen and tell him what they heard. After a bit they said birds, the wind in the trees, squirrels and so on… He then told them that cycling wasn’t just about racing, it was about exploring places and looking around those places to see what’s there. For one 8 year old girl in that moment, he was The Best Coach EVER. For her dad, who was worried about a kid with no interest in racing, but loved learning to ride a bike in mud, in the woods, he provided a great sense of relief. Thanks Pat!!
Kudos to those coaches (andvolunteers and parents) that can walk that balance between full competition and allowing kids to enjoy a sport to the level they want or are able.
A lovely story, thanks Glen. Kudos indeed.
I wish this post would become required reading for all coaches. I grew up playing a lot of team sports and witnessed quite a few incidents like this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a better job of someone describing the emotinal experience that the child goes through in these situations. It’s very unfortunate that your son had to have this happen to him, but if this post reaches as far and wide as it should, hopefully some good can come out of it. As always, brilliant writing.
Thank you Jarret. I think good did come of it. My son learned some good lessons, so did the coaches, and so did I. Of course I hadn’t really planned on writing about it here (this isn’t “Winnipeg HockeyMom”), but I was really pissed and thought the message was broader than just hockey. I’m glad it resonated with people on all sides of the fence. Thank you again.
I hear you about coaches playing their own kids first, to the detriment of others. My niece could not nail down a starting position on her team, even though it was known she had the talent to start. The coaches’ daughters got to start every game, despite being lesser players. The big factor at play here: showcasing kids to get scholarships. My niece is joining another team this season that might not be as competitive, but where she can have a chance to play as a starter, and maybe get a scholarship.
Loved this post and comments. As a coach and athlete in many different sports throughout the years and a active member on sports boards etc, I have been on both sides of the situtation: a parent upset b/c his/her child didn’t get first like they should have, a child upset b/c they were pushed over or cut off in a race, a coach wanting to win the big game so we kept our good players out (how could I :0), an athlete who was not chosen, a team leader who only chose the best, who also swore when I never scored or lost a game……..
I used to have a quote that I obtained from a Starbucks cup that I used on all my communication back to parents (somwhat paraphrased b/c I don’t remember it all) “I will take the politics of relgion, homosexuality, small town and office ove the politics of youth sports”
[…] 3. Good Game There are many eloquently written blogs out there that examine personal relationships and explore deep and meaningful matters of the heart. This is not one of those blogs. But every so often (like when I can’t get an appointment with my therapist) a story gets past the “dear diary” filter and lands squarely on the screen. Like this one, about a bad decision made by my son’s hockey coaches during an important playoff game. It broke two of my cardinal rules: a) it was not about cycling, and b) it was very personal. Nevertheless, the outpouring of empathy, outrage and shared experiences was almost enough to make me fire my therapist. […]