The Scent of a Woman
I was sent a link to a German TV commercial today that is frankly too filthy to post. And for me to say that you know it’s bad. Maybe not “government agents coming to the front door in the middle of the night to take my kids away” bad, but bad enough to think twice about sharing the link with complete strangers. And my Dad.
The commercial starts with an attractive and scantily clad woman riding a stationary bike under the watchful eye of a hunky and carelessly shaven man. He’s a little too pretty to be a trainer if you ask me, but nevertheless, the dude is holding a stopwatch. Who cares, it’s a commercial and he’s likely a fashion model in real life anyway.
The woman is sweating profusely in spite of the fact she is pedalling at what looks like about 20 rpm, well below the optimal 90-100 rpm cadence we all aspire to. Cue the sexy music and slow motion effect and the poor girl is barely moving. At this point we are treated to some extreme crotchal close ups (of her, not the coach model guy) as she hovers daintily over her saddle, employing the worst climbing form I think I’ve ever seen. Coach model guy does not seem to notice the sloppy technique.
After about eight seconds, the woman finishes her workout and ditches the guy, no doubt to meet her girlfriends at Starbucks to talk about her hot new coach who doesn’t seem to give a damn what she does as long as she smiles and waves her toned and sweaty fanny at him.
Here’s where it gets weird. Coach Chippendale, left all alone with the stationery bike, leans in close and SMELLS THE SADDLE!!! Let me tell you, I did a workout in a (male) friend’s basement once. When I got home, there was a message on the machine alerting me that I had left my bike shorts behind. I almost passed out from the anxiety and embarrassment. Why? Because there is nothing, NOTHING nastier than a woman’s bike shorts after a ride or workout. You see, we go commando too. It’s just the way it’s done.
Now it gets even weirder. Coach Chippendale is in the car and, with a sleazy smile, unzips a leather bag. Inside, lying there like some serial killer’s grim trophy is… THE SADDLE!! The yucky, disgusting and foul smelling saddle.
At this point I was dying of curiosity. What’s the hook? Is this a satirical commercial making fun of something? Americans love those. But this is too steamy to be American, must be Italian. Yes, definitely Italian, maybe for super expensive Italian leather saddles. Maybe it’s not the girl he’s after, it’s the saddle. Oh, those clever and sexy Italians. BUT NO! It turns out this TV spot is for a women’s fragrance made in Germany. Some company, in their intimate wisdom, figured “Hey! Why beat around the (ahem) bush? Let’s manufacture an artificial fragrance that smells exactly like an unwashed, sweaty woman’s crotch!” What I think they forgot to consider is that, like men, sweaty women smell kind of like sheep. Not sexy whatsoever (unless maybe you’re Australian). I wonder what else they have cooking up in that lab?Perhaps fragrances that smell like wet dog, or expired dairy? Maybe hog barn?
The name of the product? Well, remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry forgets the name of the woman he’s dating, but knows it rhymes with a part of the female anatomy?* One of his guesses will give you a clue. Rhymes with Mulva.
*The woman’s name was Delores.