by CycleChick on March 19, 2012
There is so much excitement here at CycleChick headquarters it is almost impossible to keep up. At this juncture I must interrupt my Arizona travel journal for some exciting news. It could be considered related since both are south of the border.
After successfully (if not quickly) completing Actif Epica, I have been feeling slightly more badass than my normal badass self – a condition that led to an unusual impulse purchase from Evil Cycling, a self-described Consortium of Death, Doom, Disease, and Destruction. Don’t tell them I said so, but for a Consortium of Death, Doom, Disease and Destruction, they seem to be pretty nice guys.
Where better to put my bad ass than in a pair of Evil underpants? They are everything I love in a pair of skivvies – black, boy cut, and totally badass. Like if Johnny Hoogerland and Chuck Norris had a baby girl and let Charlie Sheen raise her kind of badass.
I whipped out my credit card faster than a speeding peloton and the following conversation ensued:
Evil Cycling – Thank you for your order. Thine underpants are on their way in the morning. When you put them on, you’ll have the urge to kick a child. Relax, this is normal.
CycleChick- Thanks for the warning. I will select my footwear appropriately.
EC – Best to go barefoot. Please send pictures.
EC – Um, of the child kicking. Sorry. We’re lewd, but not lascivious!
CC – Thanks for clarifying, I was actually considering it. Well, time to fire up the two-wheel chariot & split. Nice talking to you. I eagerly await the arrival of my underpants.
EC – Tailwinds, no flats. Just kidding. Hope you get a headwind and 2 flats.
The next day…
EC – Evil shipped today. Thank you for your order. Hope you get a cold.
CC – Excellent! Soon the world will be mine! mwahaha (cough) hahahaaaa…
EC – The moment you run out the door to take the world dressed in your Evil skivvies, you’ll be promptly arrested.
CC – Shit. That happened last time too. I’d hoped these underpants had some sort of Evil superpowers. Perhaps I need a plan B.
EC – Plan B: Begin drinking heavily and with intent. Arm yourself with non-conventional weapons. Remove all clothing save for skivvies. Find your nearest church. Enter. Twirl. Then, play the cards you get dealt.
CC – Halfway there my friend. I’ll let you know how it goes. Likely from prison.
A week later the skivvies arrived and they are as wickedly sweet as I expected. I was so pleased, in fact, that I decided to send the good fellows at Evil Cycling a picture of me wearing them. You know, since they asked so nice. I hope they like it and don’t find it too forward.Evil Plan B was implemented and I’m pleased to say that although it may not have been successful, it was nothing short of spectacular. While world domination remains elusive, the congregation was suitably scandalized and I’m pretty sure I made the front page of the Winnipeg Free Press.
Thanks to the Evils for making skivvy shopping so wickedly fun. Just kidding, hope you get the clap.