Top Secret Training Tips (shhh)

Since Christmas is the season of giving, I thought I would share some goodwill with my fellow racers. You know who you are. It’s a fact that you don’t win races by talking about your training, but in the spirit of the season I am willing to put all competitive urges aside and let you in on these top secret tips and techniques to help prepare for race season. Think of them as practical alternatives to the usual leaping lords (weird), filthy poultry and dancing girls.

Tip #1

A very important and often overlooked part of effective training is recovery. So you should really take the winter off and rest. Not only will you avoid potential injuries, you will be much stronger and ready to kick some ass in the spring.

Tip #2

If you decide to ignore Tip #1 and train anyway, be sure to stop at the first sign of discomfort. Discomfort means you are going too hard. Going too hard is the first step on the short and deadly road to burnout.

Tip #3

Carbohydrates are essential for competitive athletes. They are fuel for our ass-kicking high performance engines. Everybody knows there is no better source of carbohydrates than beer, so drink plenty of it. Think of it as building your carb stores for the long race season ahead. A shooter or two will ensure those valuable carbs get absorbed quickly and directly into your muscle tissues.

Tip #4

Steel is the new carbon fiber. Seriously, all the pros are switching.

Tip #5

When celebrity chefs share recipes, they are always careful to omit one critical ingredient. This ensures that when you attempt to make the recipe, you will inevitably fail, therefore confirming in your mind the natural superiority of the chef. So it stands to reason that when celebrity trainers like Chris Carmichael give training advice, they do the same thing. Think about it.

For obvious reasons, I don’t want these valuable training tips to get around. I know I can count on your discretion. Merry Christmas.